It has been 11.5 years since I became a mother. 11.5 years of striving to integrate family and a career that matters to me into a working model of happiness. 'Family First' is my guiding value and I have definitely had a few choice points along the way to test the strength of my commitment and resolve. I imagine every working mother in the world can say exactly the same thing. So, here I am again.
My 9 year old is struggling. Overwhelmed with life and stressed out about everything. He doesn't sleep, so none of us sleep. Not a pretty story with a 5am wake-up call and one hour commute for both myself and my husband. I've been feeling things sort of hanging together for a little while now but in January the unraveling became impossible to ignore. By January 30th I was exhausted and frustrated every waking second of the day - never has the image of treading water and being pulled under felt so visceral for me. I felt like a car stuck in the mud, pedal to the metal doing nothing more than endlessly spinning wheels. Helpless and hopeless is not a place I sit in for long because, I know that there is always a way forward, it simply comes down to choice.
On the morning of January 30th, as I was driving to work, I dreamily imagined myself taking a 'time-out' - to get my own spirit back to health to be useful and helpful to my son & family. Time to really focus on the learning journey sitting in front of us, learning how to be the kind of family that successfully copes with anxiety. I spoke this idea out loud to my cousin, making it feel like an actual possibility and by the end if the day I had asked my CEO for a one month, unpaid leave of absence which he without hesitation supported. Big decision, Yes. Difficult choice, No.
February 9th is the beginning of my leave. I have no idea all that lies ahead of me with this choice I've made. I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, this is the only choice for me. I will share this journey.
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