Tyranny of the Elf

With December coming to a close, I feel like I should share the latest chapter in my life with the Elf on the Shelf.

For anyone who may have missed this saga, it all started when I innocently posted this statement on my facebook feed..."The 'Elf on the Shelf' is a truly brilliant idea - I can't bring myself to buy one because I don't really have time to do more #%$&! things for Christmas - but I do admire the genius behind it."  

Magically, on December 11th, 2013 an Elf on the Shelf appeared in my home, Abby named her Crystal, I bought her a skirt (wtf?!!) and the magic began.

After completely misplacing Crystal last year, she reappeared in our lives on December 1st.  The first night, I forgot to move her - the first night!!!  Abby cried and was completely convinced that she was dead because she touched her the night before.  I assured her that Crystal was just tired from her long journey and in doing so, sealed my fate for the next long 23 days.  

Every night, as I entered that blissful relaxed state of almost asleep, I would jolt awake with a loud "shxx, I forgot to move the Elf!".  Jeff would grunt and I would begrudgingly flop out of bed and with zero creativity or enthusiasm find another spot to place the Elf.  Every now and then, I would see facebook statuses of creative and over-enthusiatic friends who somehow had the energy to place their elf in any number of inventive, clever and naughty poses and feel bad for not putting more thought into my Elf placement.  But, it didn't last:).  I told Abby we are very lucky that we got a polite Elf and that some people had very bad elves that ruined stuff in their homes - just to be proactive with an answer to the inevitable "mom, why do all my other friends' elves do silly things with toilet paper around their house and ours just moves?".

We finally get to Christmas Eve.  At 12:15 am, after wrapping Santa gifts and filling stockings, I was just beginning to doze off when I remembered...the Elf has to go back to the North Pole. Gleefully, I jumped out of bed, ran to her last perch, grabbed Crystal and threw her into the bottom drawer of my nightstand - making a mental note to be sure to find a better hiding place when I put all of the Christmas stuff away.

Yesterday, after spending a wonderful few days in Montana with friends, Abby is getting herself ready for bed when she yells..."mom, I just found something very disappointing!!!".  I run upstairs to find her pointing into my open bedside table drawer screaming, Crystal is still here!  After yelling at her - what are you doing in my private stuff (I panicked) - I sat down to console my distraught daughter.  I said, well, maybe Crystal liked it so much here, she didn't want to go home.  Then Abby started crying, saying "what if I really did kill her when I touched her mom and she couldn't get home?".  For one long second, I saw my way out.  I thought, yeah, I could say she died, throw a little Elf funeral and never have to jump out of bed to move Crystal again.  Then I found myself saying, no Abby, she probably just really loved it here, I'm sure now that we're home, she'll go.  This morning, she was gone and Abby was entirely relieved.

I feel a bit like the Grinch when his heart grew 3 sizes, I realized that I am not ready for my final child to stop believing, not yet.  So, Crystal lives on and the tyranny of the elf continues...stay tuned for the 2015 instalment:)

Choice & Ease

Historically, December has been a stress-ridden struggle for me.  A distracted month full of shoulds and have to's laden with the guilt that this is supposed to be a joyful, fun-filled time and I'm not feeling any of that.

But not this year!

This year has been the opposite - it's actually been easy and joyful.  JOYFUL!!  Exactly what the season is supposed to be.

Why?  Why is it different this year?  The overcommercialization hasn't changed.  The list of people to buy for and things to do hasn't changed.  It is me and my choices - specifically my choices around work - that has changed dramatically over the past 2 years.

The shift started in January of 2013.  I was just looking over some of my writing over the past couple of years and this blog entry from February Just Take One Step captures why December has become Joyful for me again.

2014 has been a full year of simply taking the one next step that feels right for me at that time.  I am no longer getting tangled up in all of the impossible what if's of each choice and trying to see the whole path - just stopping, listening deeply and choosing.  I have said yes to some things, I have said yes, but this is how I am willing to do it for other things and I have said no.

Each of these choices has made for a spectacular year.  I am loving the work that I am doing, the amount of work I'm doing and the way this work is allowing me to have the flexibility and time to support and enjoy my family.

The most beautiful part of it all is that I had no way of knowing at this time last year what my work would be at this point a year later.  I had no specific goal - I had a sense I wanted to serve my community, the clarity that it could not consume me and the desire to use all the best parts of myself and have fun - but no concept around what it would actually be.  And what has emerged is absolutely perfect.  I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't lived it.

I am writing this now, to remind myself to keep living this way as I move into another new year.  I am also writing this now to invite each of you to trust this way of living.  It is so freeing to move away from intense overengineering, planning and control.  It is also powerfully surprising as to what will appear for you when you allow it.

Merry Christmas & happy December - here's to many more:).

Important Conversations

Everyone is talking about Robin Williams' death.  About depression, about suicide and the need to have more open conversations around these topics.  While we're talking, and hopefully listening, let's add a few more topics to the list.

Aging

Remember when you were a kid and you'd talk about what you were going to do, be and have when you grew up?  You would talk about a career, a spouse, children, maybe a handful of other adventures - a future full of life. In the last year, I've realized that those dreams of childhood took me through to about 40.  I truly did not dream beyond those things I talked about when I was 5.  So today, sure, I dream about weddings for my children and enjoying grandchildren, but what dreams do I hold for ME? The truth is, I am now on the downside of the curve.  The average global life expectancy is currently 71 years old and I am more than half way there.  It is a fact.

It's fun when you are on the upside of the curve to talk about all the possibilities that the future holds. Nobody wants to talk about the downside of the curve.  We want to pretend that we are invincible - anyone who tries to talk about what it feels like to look towards the ending gets blown off because it's too depressing.  So what?  It's real, it's on people's minds and we should talk about it.  Maybe if we were more OK talking about it, people wouldn't turn inside and end up with mental illness?

Death

We will all die at some point.  We have become so fixated on longevity I think that we actually believe we can outrun death.  We cannot so let's talk about it.  Death is an end to what we know and it is sad for the people who are left but it is a reality for 100% of us.  We have got to be able to talk about this and listen to and really hear each other.

Quality of Life & Choice
I now understand that Robin Williams was dealing with early onset Parkinson's.  Why shouldn't someone who has such a wonderful, fulfilling and long life be able to make the choice to exit with dignity?  Why is it 'better' in our minds for him to hang around and battle every day as he slowly deteriorates towards the inevitable?  A very good friend of our family made the same choice a few years ago when he was diagnosed with an incurable and painful illness.  I get it.  Why not go out as the you that people know?  We are 100% responsible for our own happiness, why should we not have the ultimate choice as to whether we want to hang around any longer?

A few years ago, my grandmother who has lived in High River for most of her adult life, was given 24 hours notice before being moved from the manor to an assisted living space in Claresholm.  24 hours to say goodbye to her hometown knowing she would never return.  Nobody was there to talk to her about it.  I sat with her and asked her how she was feeling.  She said, I don't know what to feel, I am numb. Then, when I went to see her in her new home, she was surrounded by elderly, many staring vacantly at walls, most on anti-depressants of some kind.  That was the worst of all - I don't want to go like that. Is that quality of life?  Man, given a choice, I would want to say goodbye to this earth in my time, my way - I'm just being honest. 

Selfishness
The word selfish brings up more anger in me than any other word in the English vocabulary.  Isn't it ironic that we label someone who chooses to bring an end to their life of misery as selfish and we don't apply the same label to the people who are fixated on that person remaining in their personal misery for the sake of their happiness?  This makes no sense to me.   Me wanting someone to fight and persevere because I don't want to let them go is every bit as 'selfish' so let's just abandon the word entirely.

Finally, we cannot know what it is to live in another person's shoes.  We may have some idea, but we absolutely cannot KNOW so let's stop passing judgement and opinion.  Let's open up our ears and hearts, be compassionate, listen and honour each other enough to allow each and every one of us to be heard.  Don't listen to fix things - just listen.

Social Media & Our Kids

"Mom, that's creepy", my son exclaims as I begin asking him some questions about some postings I've seen on Ask.fm.  What is Ask.fm?  Well, I'm glad you asked - you need to know about it and all of the social media platforms your children are experimenting with - they need you to know about them, even if they don't know that they do.

As a little backgrounder, when my son asked to be on Facebook I made him a deal (the same deal that I will make with my other 2 children) - yes, but you must accept my friendship request and be ready to do so for any other social media platform you are on.  So as of today, I follow my firstborn on about 6 different platforms.  I do this not to be creepy, but to teach.  These platforms are our kids' entry into the big wide world and while they think they are ready for it, their developing brains are not.  For anyone who does not know this fact, boys brains are not fully developed until they are 25-30 years old and girls develop a little bit quicker at 18-25 years of age.   The last part of the brain to develop is the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that understands long-term consequences - at 13, 14, 15 they truly don't get the idea that they will regret something one day.

So, back to Ask.fm.  It is an innocent enough platform in theory, the gist of it is that people can ask each other questions.  It's a bit like twitter in that you can follow people without them giving permission.  You can set privacy settings to limit who can view your content - many people know this and do it, many people do not.  Where it gets scary is the way that it actually gets used.  People can ask questions or make statements without stating who they are, completely anonymously.   This of course, removes all accountability and where the gloves come off.  I am seeing girls being asked if they are virgins at 13 years of age - and the scariest part is that they are answering.  There is a statement being used of "honesty hour" encouraging people to answer any question with complete honesty no matter what the question and they willingly do it! They are talking about their underwear, their body parts, sharing pictures of some of those body parts, talking about the things they do with said body parts, talking about drinking and smoking weed - AND they have no idea that somebody like me can read it all!

I'm not at all saying that they are not smart - they are - they are just extremely naive and they need to learn what is and is not appropriate to put out into the webosphere - and that is the job of the adults in their lives whether any of us like it or not.  What I'm reading is not how I want to know these kids who I know are all Good kids in need of some honest and real guidance.  When I have spoken to other adults about this stuff, many have said to me that they don't really want to know what the kids are saying or that they don't have time (which is legitimate) or that they can't be bothered (or are overwhelmed) to learn the technology.  It is overwhelming and time sucking and to some degree emotionally exhausting - but that's parenting isn't it:)?

When bullying stories come to a tragic end like they did for Amanda Todd, we all react with the same question 'what could have been done to prevent this?'.  I believe with every part of my being that the answer is to be proactive, be involved, learn the technology (it is not going away), be open with your kids, ask the hard 'creepy' questions and be ready for the resulting conversations.  Talk to your kids about Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Ask.fm, Vine, Tumblr, Tinder, Snapchat, Kik.  And, most importantly, for any awesome teenager who may be reading this post - I believe in you, you are good people, please be aware of the choices you make and the information you put out into the world, it is a reflection of who you are and you don't know who is seeing it - please, please, please think before you post.

Words, Beliefs, Stories & Lies

I saw a friend yesterday who is going through the break up of a 16 year marriage.  Through our conversation, I became deeply aware of the power, weight and depth of many of the words that come up when discussing a situation like this.

You know the picture of an iceberg where you see the tip sticking out of the water but the true depth and width of the iceberg lies below the surface where you cannot see it?  That's the way I see many of the following words - the word itself is just the tip of the iceberg, the actual beliefs, stories & lies that are the foundation for the meaning we place on the word lurk deep underneath the surface.

Commitment

Selfishness

Responsibility

Guilt

Shame

Happiness

What comes up for you when you sit with each of these words respectively?  What are the beliefs, stories and lies that you hear & feel as you repeat those words to yourself?

I've noticed that these are extremely powerful words that are taken very seriously by many of us.  We hold a lot of judgement around the actions of ourselves and the people around us and use these words to express, support and justify much of this judgement.

I have found divorce to be one of the single most judged situation that people can face - especially when kids are involved.  There are many people who vehemently believe that when you bring children into the world, you give up your right to pursue your own personal happiness.  We hold the words  commitment, responsibility & duty above that of happiness & fulfillment as if there is a giant grid or hierarchy determining which words and feelings matter the most (and in our subconscious, I believe this grid actually exists).  We proclaim people who pursue their happiness 'above' their spouse or their children as selfish and irresponsible.  I know this, because I have been one of those people.

But here is the realization that I hold this morning.  All of this judgement is predicated on one powerful belief or in my mind lie, that so many of us are driven by.

The lie is that we are responsible for someone else's happiness.

This belief is fundamentally untrue.  It is impossible to create happiness for another person - spouse or child.  Anyone who has tried to do this knows that what I'm saying is true.  The only happiness we have control and influence over is our own - it is a choice and commitment that we must make to ourself.  So many people believe that people should stay in a marriage because a break-up would be too damaging for their children.  That is only true if you have removed all responsibility for happiness from those children.  The learning journey here is awareness and accountability for each of our own version of happiness.

I know this is controversial, many of us don't like digging beneath the surface but I can tell you that I am living a much more joyous life as I unearth, examine and let go of the beliefs, stories & lies that have me holding people in judgement - as they are freed, I am freed.

Why Can't Leaders Be Human Beings?

Just when I begin to feel hopeful that the world of work and leadership is moving in the right direction - towards more authenticity, vulnerability, acceptance, compassion, humanness - someone writes and publishes an article that punctures my bubble as sharply and swiftly as a machete would destroy a balloon.

Here is the article - I don't really want you to read it, but if you don't, you won't know what all the fuss is about:)  What 15 Female Leaders Really Think About Crying At Work
This article absolutely infuriates me.  I thought maybe giving myself 24 hours of processing time would dull my anger and frustration - but nope, it's still there, fresh as ever.  There is also a bitter irony that it would come out on the day that Maya Angelou passed away.

Why does this matter - why is it even a topic to be written about?  Why are we so afraid of people's emotions?  We are all human beings - all emotion is as natural as breathing.  When will it be ok for leaders - all leaders, not just women - to simply be human - real people, warts and all?  Aren't we finally moving away from the industrial revolution where people are expected to be robots?  And Why, did they only ask women?!

I want a world of work where people do not have to wear masks.  Pretending to be something that you are not, stuffing your emotions down, this is all the stuff that makes people sick - leads to stress, addictions, burn-out - not the makings of a productive workplace.  This is not what we should be encouraging, for anybody, let alone the people who are leading people!

Emotion invites people to get to know one another at a deeper level.  Instead of freaking out when someone cries and labelling it as 'unprofessional' - what if we saw it as opportunity to dig in and really find out what is going on?  I'm not saying it's a leaders job to 'fix' whatever is ailing a crying employee, but the very act of listening/hearing/connecting is the stuff that creates permanent bonds and will inspire an employee to give their heart and soul to a leader who cares.

This article assumes that the work world is still all about power and control.  And many of the women responding in this article are still playing that game.  That is the part that makes me the most sad.  The workplace will never move beyond this if we keep playing the game and worse yet, telling all those who are following in our footsteps to keep playing.

Real emotion inspires people.

The real story here would be why are we so afraid of emotion at work?  How can we be taught to welcome all emotion into our workplaces?  Maybe I should go to work with Brene Brown and we'll do a study proving to the world that the workplaces who embrace humanness are the most successful!

Ok, I feel better, thanks for listening.  On the bright side, this article pointed me in the direction of this new article - Go Ahead - Cry at Work - so I guess it's not all bad:)

Embracing Youth

I just came out of a 30 minute meditation and find myself on a bit of a mission.

The question that came up for me is "I wonder where the most youth-friendly town in Canada is?".  Obviously of interest to me since I am raising 3 children:).

So, I googled it.  I googled it with the idea that I would uncover well written articles about town's who have made a conscious effort to really weave youth into the fabric of the community.  Stories about the kinds of spaces and attractions that have been created from the intention of truly serving the needs of youth.  Do you know what I found?  Most rankings are done entirely from the perspective of money; where is the most cost effective place to raise a family.  The key metrics are housing prices and daycare costs.  Here's a couple to have a look at;

Top 10 Best Places to Raise Kids
The Best Canadian Cities to Raise a Family

And, when I googled the best place in Canada to live for 12-18 year olds, I got nothing.

I'm extremely passionate about being part of building the most youth friendly community in Canada.   My hope is that I can do that in High River.  But, there are a few things that have to change.

My son went into a convenience store here with a couple of friends last spring.  The worker at the store told them to 'hurry up and buy something'.  I get it, he was afraid they were going to shoplift - I'm sure he's had that happen before.  But, my kid and the others he was with were not going to steal from him - they were there, with their wallets, as honest consumers.  What if someone spoke to you that way when you were shopping?  What if they spoke to your grandmother like that?  It would be absolutely unacceptable.  You would leave and never come back.  I find this appalling - we cannot treat every child as a criminal just because a small few make poor choices.

Right now, there is some really cool planning going on to redesign the downtown core.  This excites me a great deal and I asked my kids what they would like to see.  The first thing they said is more bike racks - the simplest thing really isn't it?  Also, my son said, if businesses don't want us to bring our backpacks in, maybe they could have cubbies or hooks we could put/hang them on so they don't get trashed in a heap on the floor.  Good point - but I have to say, again, it makes me angry they have to do this at all.  What if all you ladies were asked to leave your purse hanging at the door, would you feel welcome?

The one thing that I'm super excited about with the new downtown plan is all the expanded pedestrian pathways.  I made a comment in conversation recently along the lines of, oh good, the kids won't get in trouble with their skateboards and scooters.  To which the person responded, oh no, skateboards and scooters aren't allowed downtown, nobody wants them.  Now, I don't know if that is true on the whole, but it is certainly the perspective of this person who spends a lot of time downtown.

This is the way we treat our youth - reluctantly tolerated, not welcomed.  Even the well meaning youth centre in town is located up by the high school away from everything and every other age group in the community.  I asked my dad this morning why he thinks that this mentality exists in adults, his thought is that we are all a little bit resentful because we miss the freedom and joy of youth.  I think he's probably right and I think if we consciously spent more time in the company of youth, we could be reconnected to all those same feelings of freedom and joy.

This is an issue I want to bring to the light as I'm sure there is some of this in every town.  12-17 year olds are people first - people that deserve to be as respected and embraced as every other age group in a community.  The first change that has to come is the mindset, yes, we want these kids included and they matter.  I want to see efforts made to intentionally weave them into the fabric of the community - not sitting uncomfortably on the sidelines.  I know I'm not alone in this desire and I am prepared to roll up my sleeves to be a part of it.  If you have ideas or know of really cool examples to have a look at - let me know:)

Grief

I've been thinking alot about grief lately.  My predominant thought is that as long as we are moving forward there will always be some amount of grief because we are leaving something behind.  I wish we would talk about this more often so that grief becomes more normal to not only to talk about but also to feel. 

I think that we only ever acknowledge and talk about grief when something 'big' happens - illness, death, divorce...  But, what if we acknowledged and accepted that there is grief in the simple things too - changing teachers, new schools, babies' first step? Anything new is of course something to celebrate, but we have to be real with the part that we are saying good-bye to.  

I just became acutely aware that I am moving into a new parenting era as my oldest son nears becoming a teen.  As I've sat with that, I have allowed myself not to fear what's coming so much as to let go of what was.  He is no longer a 'child' and his needs from me are much different than they were.  I will miss the old Joel, even though I will love and embrace the new one.  We don't talk about this part of parenting enough.

As I walk around my hometown with the daily reminders of last year's flood, I feel grief.  I grieve the town that I grew up in - it is gone.  I grieve the town that I raised my babies in, it is gone.  I watched the house 2 doors to the north of me and 2 doors to the south get torn down.  I watched as the one family's 16 year old daughter videotaped the demolition of her family home and I cried.  I know families that grew up in both of those homes and it's hard not to connect with how it must be feeling for them.  I am excited about the refresh that the town is going through, but I am also saying goodbye to the town I once knew.  Both feelings are real, both are ok and I think we should talk about that so that we don't feel alone.  Grief is as 'normal' as joy.

There have been a number of changes in my life over the past couple of years - some I openly talk about, some I don't - but, I am extremely aware of the presence of grief that sits alongside the presence of new and I am allowing it.

Then, after crystallizing all of these thoughts, I read this Rumi quote today;

'Don't grieve.  Anything you lose comes round in another form.'

So, now there is a new question for me - what is it that I am truly grieving?  If I look at each of these change situations, what is the truth behind the grief and what could replace that?  How will I know the 'replacement' when it appears?  I don't know - pretty heady stuff - but it is worth the extra consideration. 

Anyway, I don't want grief to be a taboo topic anymore.  Just because I'm feeling it or you're feeling it doesn't mean that we are defined by it - no mom, I'm not depressed - I'm just aware that there is grief sitting beside my joy, not all the time, but lots of times and I'm willing to share that with you and maybe if it's ok for me, it will be more ok for you.

End of the Journey, Not the Joy:)

My 90 day Joyous Journey ended last week and I gave myself a few days of reflection before writing about it.  As always, 90 days flew by.  I would like to take a moment to extend my heartfelt thanks to Wanda Herriman and her daughter for inspiring me to take this on - what a very cool experience to have shared with you.

I feel changed.  The experts say that it takes 21 days to change a bad habit or develop a new one - I spent 3.5 times that focusing on joy and I would say it has definitely become a habit.

I've learned that it's true, you truly do find what you are looking for.  As I focused on seeing joy, I did.  Not every second of the day, but more often than I had in 'normal' life.  And, it was contagious in my home.  My kids would ask me about my joys and would suggest things that should be my joy for the day.  Sometimes, I would ask them about what brought them joy in their day - a new conversation for us.  I liked that joy was the central focus for my day, every day.

Since I stopped posting, I'm quite pleased to say that I haven't stopped noticing the things that bring me joy, I feel joy a lot - many times per day, every day.

As I looked over my posts, it was interesting for me to observe the things that brought me joy.  People, my connections with people are what consistently bring joy to my life.  This isn't a surprise to me, I think what was cool to see is how many wonderful people I am connected to and how each and every one of them add joy in some way to my life.  I found myself wanting to take pictures many times per day as I had different moments with different people throughout the day.

Even the objects that I took pictures of or the music that I posted about - they brought me joy because of the people that they are connected to.  My grandma's writing desk - joy because I know what it meant to my grandma and I love that we share a passion for writing.  Music - because every song takes me to a point of time and the memory of the people that I was surrounded by at that time.

I'm also more aware now of how much I enjoy my alone time - the joy comes from being quiet and peaceful.  Before this journey, I didn't realize peace and joy were as interconnected as they are for me.  I used to think it was weird that I like my alone time because I enjoy my time with people so much and that didn't seem to make any sense - but now I see it as the yin to my yan.  Being alone keeps me balanced.  It's a bit of a 'fuel up', making it possible for me to be 100% present (or close to it) when I am with others and available for listening.  I know the value of deep listening because I have felt it and I know that that kind of listening is absolutely not possible when you are preoccupied with your own stuff.  My kids were off school last week and I really noticed my lack of space and how much less present I was.  This is a hugely important learning for me as I move forward in the next choices I make.

Thank you for joining me in my journey.  I really enjoyed knowing that you were with me in it and your likes and comments kept me motivated to keep sharing.  If you've never tried it, I truly encourage you to undertake your own joyous journey.  You may still see the occasional post from me and I would love to see yours:).

Writer? A Cry for Help:)

My friend called me a writer the other day.  A writer!  As she said it, I got butterflies of excitement in my stomach and then that voice in my head, that wretched voice in my head began saying things like 'no I'm not, I'm not that good, not many people read what I write, I'm afraid to share my thoughts beyond my friends, I don't make any money doing it...blah, freaking blah, freaking blah'.  Man, I hate that voice - do you have it too?

Anyways, since I have made some space in my life, I am noticing that I truly do love to write and when I reflect on it, I think I always have.  As I look back over the past year, I think I have only published 25 blog posts, which doesn't feel like much.  But, what I am feeling is this growing desire to write and share more things, more often and that is pretty cool to me.  Kind of like my 'joyous journey' is showing me more joy, more often - writing is uncovering more and more thoughts and thought areas that I'd like to explore.  I even had an idea for a novel float through my head when I was in Phoenix - a fictional novel - I have never, ever had that happen before, and, I've even started writing it!

So the question that is sitting in my heart today is, can I earn money as a writer?  Actually, it's a slightly deeper question than that - can I earn money writing about and sharing all of the things I want to write about?  And of course, the real question is - will anyone truly value my thoughts?  Wow, that was tough to write - but there it is, the big and extremely scary question that I think is holding me back.

I have a bit of a block going on, maybe you can help me with it.  I don't know who my writing appeals to.  Seriously.  Whenever the educated marketing part of me kicks in, I know that the key question to answer when figuring out how to grow a following is to define your target market.  Every single time I begin to answer that, I rebel because I don't want to be pigeonholed.  I think about adding categories to my writing content and then I reel because, well, I just don't want to.  Do I have to?  Do I have to decide what kind of label I should hang around my neck to get more attention?  Here it is again, I don't want to...  

So, I need your help and here is where I am going to start - why do you read my blog?    

Hockey vs. School

My oldest son is at home this morning after taking a pretty good check during a hockey game yesterday, making it pretty tough to stomach the idea of sitting in a hard school chair all day.  On Friday, he had to miss the last period of school to make it to hockey practice in Lethbridge on time (1 hour & 30 minutes away).  Over the past 3 years, I have noticed that there is a growing trend in hockey eating into school time.  Tournaments often start on Fridays and with travel for weeknight games a reality, leaving early has become quite common.  I've been feeling kind of guilty about this - angry even - worrying about what this is teaching our children.

Today, as I've sat with the question "what is this teaching our children", I have gained a new perspective that I'd like to share.

I started out by thinking, what is the purpose of school?  This is a question that I've pondered a lot over the past few years when my children have whined, mostly on Mondays, "aww mom, why do I have to go to school?".  Besides the obvious answer that it is illegal not to go to school, what truly is the purpose?  Yes, there is some knowledge that will be important to them when they are older.  Being exposed to various topics gives them the opportunity to see what really interests them.  In a perfect world, school shows them how to plan their work out to meet a goal and how to deliver to expectations.  It teaches them how to interact with adults and other students, preparing them for how to 'get along' in society - giving them the opportunity to see where they must conform and when it is ok to voice their own thoughts & opinions.  But, is school the only place where these lessons can be imparted?

I have seen my boys learn so much from their participation in hockey, these are just a few of what I see as their most important lessons;

First, they continually learn how to work with teammates to achieve a common goal.  Even if they have nothing else in common off the ice, my boys have learned how to see the strengths of each of their teammates and how to work together for the best result.  They've learned how to achieve as a team and lose as a team.  I have wondered aloud lately if this is part of the reason boys suffer less drama in relationships as they grow than girls do.  They start learning, sometimes as early as 4 years old, how to work things out with other people and move forward together.

Second, they learn work ethic and dedication.  They have been shown how to work on developing specific skills to improve their game and taught how to practice.  My oldest boy has spent tons of time working on his stick handling & his shot.  This year, when he was injured and given a physiotherapy routine to recover, he got up every day at 6 am to do his exercises and repeated them again at night for over 6 weeks.  He learned the very important lesson, if you want something, you have to work at it.

Third, for those who truly love the sport, they experience what it feels like to do something that they feel passionate about.  When you know that feeling, you can be more aware of what other interests and experiences bring out the same feeling as you move through life.  I believe that all people should be encouraged to live from their passion so this early exposure to living in this way is invaluable.

So, today, I am ok with missing school for hockey.  As long as my kids are applying themselves 100% to  the game, I believe the life lessons they are gaining are every bit as important as what they are learning from school.  My boys know that we expect 100% effort in everything that they pursue, so as long as they are doing that at school when they are there and in sports when they are missing school, I feel confident they are shaping themselves to be happy, fulfilled and successful adults.

She Be 43!

This morning, basking in the glow of the all the friendship birthday love on Facebook, I sit here in my housecoat reflecting on the past year.  What a fascinating year of life...

So, what are the lessons of my 43rd year that I should share?

One big lesson - lose control.  Lose the idea of control - we are not and never have been "in control" of our lives - get over it.  Never have I learned more about living in the present than I have in this last year - no book could have taught me the reality of what it really means to let it go.

Last year on this day, I had no idea what lay ahead of me in the following months.  On the day of my 42nd birthday, if you asked me, I probably had a rough plan for the road that lay ahead.  I had child care for the summer lined up, I had my full time job, I had a reno plan for my house, a list of yard work I was going to tackle in the spring time and I was going to use the heck out of my boat!

June 20th wiped out all these plans - erased every notion I had ever had about having control.  I was locked out of my house.  I lost possessions that I had moved across the country with me multiple times.  We were homeless.  We had lost the value of the equity in our home.  Within three short weeks, I had left my job, moved in with a dear high school friend and his family and begun the arduous task of cleaning up from the flood.

Ever since that day, I have watched the people in my town grapple with this crippling reality for some, that we are not in control.  I have heard the anger and heartbreak of what the government and insurance companies should do, why aren't they hurrying to help - all emotion lashing out at this loss of control, of certainty, of predictability.  Even this spring as I listen to conversations about berms and flood mitigation, irate people demanding answers, demanding 100% assurance that we will be safe - I giggle (to myself mostly) because we still think we are in control.  Whenever I have found myself frustrated by the progress of my basement rebuild or my insurance settlement, I remind myself of the lesson I was supposed to learn on June 20th - lady, you are not in control - give it over and accept that what will come, will come.

The beauty of this whole experience is that as I lose the idea of control, I am gaining in so many other ways.  I know without a doubt that I am surrounded by people who love me.  People who have not hesitated to offer everything to us - places to live & stay, supplies, cleaning assistance, a listening ear, clothing, etc...  As I let go of the idea of control, I am finding myself open to more experiences, more opinions, more perspectives - I am gaining a happier, more fulfilled life.  I am embracing the days more fully and most importantly, inviting my kids to do the same.  Embarking on my 90 day 'joyous journey' has amplified this even more.  I am noticing in vivid detail all the little things that bring me joy in every single moment of my days.  And I am catching myself in my moments of control, laughing & letting go again.

This past weekend, a young boy in Turner Valley lost his life doing something he loved - bronc riding in rodeo.  He has a facebook page with more than 2000 likes already.  He is an inspiration to me.  He went out doing something he loved and he reminded me that as long as I'm alive, I will choose to live - we can't possibly know (or plan for) what's coming next so we might as well enjoy the ride.

Glimpses & Insight

I love travel.  I have the good fortune of being married to someone who works for WestJet and one of the benefits extended to me as his spouse is economical travel.  I also have the good fortune of having loving friends & family who are willing to support my children allowing me to take the occasional trip.  So, this week, I am in Phoenix enjoying the sun for a few days.

Now, everyone probably has a reason for loving travel and believe me sunshine is definitely one of my reasons, but I have truly had an epiphany around my love for travel on this trip.  The thing I love most about travel is connecting with strangers and getting a small glimpse into their lives.

Wednesday, in the shuttle bus from the parking lot to the airport I met a man and his fiance who were heading to Vegas for a 5 day pre-wedding getaway.  What a great idea!  Getting away together before the craziness of their final preparations for their June wedding suck them into an abyss.  It was his first time to Vegas, they are staying at the Bellagio and I was every bit as excited for them as they were.

At the airport, I was good and early so I decided to get a drink.  The bar was full so I asked a pair of ladies sitting at a table for 4 if I could sit beside them - promising not to eavesdrop on their conversation.  As I grabbed for my gin & tonic, my finger caught the tip of my straw and flung the straw and some of my drink across the table - for those of you who know me well, this is my typical move to break the ice!  Anyway, this all led to a few good chuckles and a couple of fast friends who promised to watch out for me and make sure I made it on the plane.

Once on the plane, I was seated between 2 ladies in their 50's or 60's, each of whom was flying down to meet their husbands at their condos.  I learned about where they live, when they bought into Phoenix market and what they love to do while here.  Today while I sat at the pool, I couldn't stop wondering about the lives of all of the people sitting at the pool.  Where were they from, why were they here, what are their stories?

The epiphany or insight that I have gained is that I adore connecting with and learning about people - I love hearing about & even being part of somebody's story.  I know this shouldn't be a surprise, nor will it be for many who know me, but for the first time ever I am seeing this as a gift, something I'm very good at, something that I should truly embrace and leverage.  I always assumed that this is something that everybody does but when I asked Jeff if he does the same thing, he categorically said, no.  When I think about it, I realize that this is the trait that has probably helped me to be successful in my career to date, I just haven't seen it as particularly special or valuable.   I wonder where this will all lead to?

Joy on the Job

You know that old axiom that people often quote "if work was supposed to be fun it wouldn't be called work"?  Don't you think that is a sad commentary?  In 2012, the average number of hours worked by employed people in Canada per week was 36.6 hours which means just over 32% of our waking hours are spent working - don't you think we should enjoy it?

I happen to believe that we are on this earth to experience joy...period.  It is not more complicated than that.  We have a finite amount of time here, so in my mind, why not strive for 100% joy in every moment no matter what we are doing?  So, does that mean joy on the job too?  Yep, in my mind, it sure does.

Have you ever stopped and thought about what job would bring you the greatest joy?  If your answer is yes, awesome, I hope you are doing it & if you are not, I hope you will soon!  If your answer is no, then please do it...NOW.  Notice what comes into your mind and how it feels and before dismissing it, really think about how it could become reality.

What brings me joy on the job or my idea of my 'perfect job' has been evolving over the years (as everybody's will).  The cool thing as I reflect on it is that I have always had what I would call my perfect job at every stage in my career.  That is an amazing thing to realize.  Is that because I have been exceptionally lucky?  Maybe a bit, but I also have very consciously decided what I wanted from my work and I asked for it.  I have gotten bolder & bolder, allowing myself more freedom to imagine and express what perfect looks like, I believe it can happen, and I'll say it again - I ask for it.

Today, my perfect job would be a combination of studying (something...or lots of things), connecting with and having invigorating conversations with interesting people, writing, pushing the envelope & creating, inspiring boldness & innovation, seeing ideas come to life, moving people forward, making a difference - spreading joy & making it contagious.  In fact, maybe I will do a thesis on Joy one day.  I would find it fascinating to interview a huge variety of people and learn what brings them joy and how much of their time they notice that they are experiencing joy.  I wonder if I could get a reality show interviewing famous and ordinary people around the world and compile a joy journal.  Hmmmmm....

My perfect work  also needs to be flexible and give me the freedom to be the as committed to my family as I want to be.  Ideally, I will be able to do my work from anywhere in the world so that I can see more of this amazing planet, enjoy the ocean more and get some warmth to break up winter.

Sound too good to be true?  Sure it does - but why not aim to bring it to life!  And guess what?  My perfect job is shaping around me as I write this...for real!

Almost a year ago exactly, I started having this feeling that my community needs me and that I could contribute more to High River.  Then the flood hit & my home & family needed me.  Now, I'm seeing that I have a lot to offer to the business community and town administration at large as we rebuild our town and move forward.  I am a connector, marketer & business developer and I love technology.  I am currently contracting to an independent consultant to build her digital identity - setting her up & showing her how to embrace all the media that is available.  I am helping my brother action a dream he has for his business.  I am interacting with the town and had the good-fortune to participate in a super-productive visioning meeting yesterday to give input in the creation of High River's Economic Development Plan.  I am having so much fun...and you know what else, I'm doing it all from my home in my jammies today:)

Find joy on your job - do it now - life is short!

What's in a Name?

At the turn of the new year, I  decided that I am ready to do some contract work.  I don't want a 'real job' because I love my flexibility but I would like to contribute beyond my home and family.

The first thing I started doing after making this decision is trying to come up with a company name.  I immediately came up with a couple of edgy names and registered both of the corresponding web domains.  When I ran the names by my husband, he said "why don't you just be you"?  At first I found the question kind of funny, then I thought, yeah, why don't I just be me.  And then I realized I was afraid - fearful to put myself out there - what if nobody buys me, what if I'm not enough.  Wow - good question Jeff - without that question, I wouldn't have dug deeper into who am I and what do I want to bring to the world and I know, I would not have built a successful business.

Ok - so decision made - jodidawson.ca is registered and in the creative process.

I immediately phoned my dear friend Janet, photographer extraordinaire of Visual Hues to arrange a time to get some updated photos done for my site.  Then, I promptly cancelled our date.  Whoa - I totally freaked out!  Why am I doing this, do I really want this, am I any good, I need to lose weight and get my hair cut before I get pictures - and on, and on and on...

So - reset - and I am now busy writing content for my new website (Janet, I will rebook photos - don't let me off the hook).  As I write about the kind of work that I am uniquely positioned to assist people with, I am challenged to find a title or word that captures it accurately.  I first realized this when the website provider I am working with asked me which category my business fits into.  I don't know - I don't like categories and labels and anything else that makes me conform and fit nicely into a box.  I believe in unique strengths, that there is nobody else like you or me in the world - but the world likes us to follow the rules and fit into a pretty job description, so people know what they are buying.  Arghh, they are buying me!

OK - so rebel Jodi is trying to conform and it shows me how restrictive names/titles can be.  Am I a coach, consultant, CEO, COO, Business Activator, Possibility Maker, an expert in Business Development, Marketing, Leadership, Team Building - I don't know, I can do bits of all these things.  How do you convey who you truly are through one word or even a series of words - you have to meet me, get to know me...

Anyways, it's a funny process, sure exposes some beliefs and ideas and frustrations that I didn't even know lurked beneath the surface.  Stay tuned, one day soon Jodi Dawson, xxx will be released in the world and my hope is that you will have some idea of why you would want to get to know and hire me:)

Thoughts on Feelings

It's been 8 days since I started my Joyous Journey.  I'm noticing, that I am now noticing, a lot of things bring me joy.  I take quite a lot of pictures now, of sometimes crazy things, and it is really fun (maybe not for you the audience - but I assure you, I'm having fun:).  I can honestly say that a majority of my day is spent in joy.  What I don't know is if it's always been that way or if because I'm now more aware of it, I'm seeing it more.  Really doesn't matter though - joy feels great.

Which brings me to another thought I've been having about feelings since finishing The Untethered Soul a couple of weeks ago.  Somehow through life, I picked up that some feelings are good to feel and others are bad.  There are some feelings that you just aren't 'supposed' to have.  You shouldn't feel sad - if you are sad, you are depressed.  You shouldn't hate your brother or sister, you must love them at all times.  You shouldn't feel grumpy, just put on a happy face.  You shouldn't be jealous, guilty, hurt, angry, frustrated...  So what are we supposed to feel?  Love, joy, happiness, awe, wonder, elation, gratitude - are definitely a few that would make the 'should' list.  Can you relate?

The thought I have here is why should we feel bad about having a feeling?  Feelings just happen.  They come as a result of some stimulus and we naturally respond with an emotion.  What I've learned, by being 'trained' to see some feelings as 'bad' is that I haven't allowed myself to fully feel them so they sort of sit there in my body, waiting for the next situation to erupt so that they can get the attention they deserve.  But, when the next situation appears, they just get stuffed on back down again.  I am a firm believer that these 'stuffed' down feelings lead to illness if they are not released.

Anyways, I think this thinking needs to stop.  Feelings are just feelings.  What I like about the book is that it invites to you feel what you feel and let it pass through you.  I'm finding it helpful to see myself as a straw.  So, if I'm feeling a 'bad' feeling, I just let myself feel it and let it just move on through.  I don't try to make it make sense or rationalize it away, I just feel it.  Last week I woke up feeling extreme jealousy for somebody that I love dearly.  Pre-untethered soul I would have said something to myself like, 'why are you feeling jealous of X - she's your best friend' and pushed myself to move past it.  Instead, I just let myself feel jealous.  I didn't stew in jealousy, I just allowed myself to feel it and let it go.  It sounds easy, and on the surface it is, but it does take a lot of self talk against the programmed self talk.  When the voice inside me says, 'you are a bad person to be jealous of X', I say 'no, I'm not, I just feel jealous.  I better stop here or you'll worry about the voices in my head:)

Anyway, do you allow yourself to feel 'bad' feelings without beating yourself up for it?  Do you allow your loved ones to feel what they feel without attaching judgement?  I invite you to try it.

Jodi's Joyous Journey

Sounds a little like Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure doesn't it:)  Maybe I will make it into a movie one day, hmmm....

Today, I had the great fortune of seeing Wanda at On The Other Hand Massage.  I went in, I'll admit, kinda grumpy.  Up to that point I was being aggravated and irritated by my day.  And the worst thing about reading self-help books is that I know being grumpy was a choice I was making but damned if I could pull myself out of it.

Anyway, as I was enjoying my wonderful massage, Wanda shared with me a 100-day challenge that her daughter is undertaking.  The gist of it is that for 100 days, she is challenging herself to take a picture of one thing each day that brings her joy.  I am so inspired, I'm going to do it and share it on social media with you.  Here, on my blog, I'll share with you any feelings, thoughts, ideas, sensations that I am noticing through the journey.

The point here is that if I want to feel more joy, I am going to look for more joyous things & experiences, constantly.  This isn't rocket science - it's just choosing.

The first part of this journey is to know what joy really feels like for me.  Do you know what joy fully feels like for you?  For me, my heart feels full like a balloon - I can feel it physically in my chest - and of course, it makes me smile.  I stand a little taller, walk a little quicker, make eye contact and laugh easily.  The cool thing in this journey is that it will make me notice how many things truly bring me joy and how often I feel it in any given day.  My hope is that I find myself taking a lot more than one picture a day - but my rule is, no repeats.

So here we go...oh, and by the way, writing and sharing this blog brings me pure joy - just kind of weird to take a picture of:)

Anti-Achievement

Today I'm sitting wondering why the world seems to have become so against rewarding achievement in children.

I just spent the weekend at a hockey tournament in Caroline with my second son.  It was a Tier 5, Atom tournament which for anyone who doesn't know hockey, is 9-11 year old kids and 5 levels below the most competitive one for that age group.  Our team played excellent hockey, probably the best I've seen them play all year - every kid gave maximum effort and they ended up winning the tournament.  When it came down to receiving their awards, the organizers gave the winning team and the losing team the same award.  It was very interesting watching the kids, because all of them noticed it.  All of these kids asked the same question, why did we get the same award as the losing team when we won?

So, what are your thoughts - why did they?

I have a lot of thoughts about this one.  I think there was an assumption made about Tier 5 hockey players.  Just because they aren't the most elite players, the thinking was perhaps that winning doesn't really matter to them.  Or possibly, because they aren't elite players maybe it's just about promoting everyone having fun and there isn't really a winner.  If that's the case, why keep score at all?

Here's the thing I've noticed, winning always matters to kids.  It may be to different degrees in each kid, but it matters.  Watch them when they are free-playing and organizing their own games - there is always a way to "win".  It feels like it is just a natural part of what makes us human and I think it's ok.  It is ok to want to achieve, in fact it's more than ok, that is what makes our world work.  In the work world, adults that strive to achieve get raises and promotions.  As employers, we want our people to achieve.

I feel that with kids, the pendulum has swung to far in the opposite direction.  In an effort to eliminate uber-competitive, downright nasty behaviour that does hurt feelings, we've eliminated rewarding achievement full-stop.  This is not serving our kids.  Why can't we positively recognize the strengths and efforts of the achievers?  Why should they not feel good about that?  There is a way to recognize achievers without hurting those that have other strengths.  The real thing we should be teaching is sportsmanship and humility.

Now, I know there are some of you that are probably thinking external reward and recognition is not what it's all about, that children should just get self-satisfaction and feel good about their winning effort.  OK - I get that, and I think they do.  But think about it, if you over-achieve at work and your co-worker just drifts along and you never get a raise, how self-satisfied do you think you would be?  How long do you think you would keep trying extra hard and over-achieving?  Come on, really think about it.  External reward does matter - it keeps us going.

I've watched this anti-achievement sentiment in other arenas than sports too.  I watched my oldest son bust his butt to get an assignment done and handed in on time when he was in grade 5 - numerous times.  When I asked, how did you do he said, I don't know, some kids didn't hand theirs in so the due date was extended.  What do you think he learned from that?  How important do you think he takes due dates now in grade 7?  I keep telling him to do the right thing and be proud but seriously....

When I read a story this past fall about a school in Calgary eliminating the honour roll I felt absolutely sick.  I was an honour roll student and getting on that list mattered a lot to me.  I wasn't a sports superstar so academics was my thing.  I think it made the difference between being and 80's student and being a 90's student.  I believe knowing that my name would be acknowledge made me work 10% harder at least.  Don't we want that?

Achievement needs to matter again.  Not with a 'winning at all costs' mentality attached to it - but let's work at teaching that instead of taking away recognition for those who deserve it.

Wonder

Have you ever noticed the wonder in a baby's eyes?

I want to see the world like that again, 

With eyes that are always surprised and delighted.

No expectation, no disappointment, just wonder. 

Remember when life delighted you like that?

It did and it can again. 

We just need to choose to see it with those eyes.

The eyes haven't changed, the world beyond the eyes hasn't changed, so what has? 

The mind behind the eyes.

It's just the mind that distorts what the eyes see,

The mind brings forward memories and pain that clouds the delight, 

But that's not real.

Like the sun, it just needs a little light and the clouds will dissipate.

And then we will see again, 

See the beauty and drink it in.

I want to see the world like that again,

I invite and welcome the light.