"Mom, that's creepy", my son exclaims as I begin asking him some questions about some postings I've seen on Ask.fm. What is Ask.fm? Well, I'm glad you asked - you need to know about it and all of the social media platforms your children are experimenting with - they need you to know about them, even if they don't know that they do.
As a little backgrounder, when my son asked to be on Facebook I made him a deal (the same deal that I will make with my other 2 children) - yes, but you must accept my friendship request and be ready to do so for any other social media platform you are on. So as of today, I follow my firstborn on about 6 different platforms. I do this not to be creepy, but to teach. These platforms are our kids' entry into the big wide world and while they think they are ready for it, their developing brains are not. For anyone who does not know this fact, boys brains are not fully developed until they are 25-30 years old and girls develop a little bit quicker at 18-25 years of age. The last part of the brain to develop is the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that understands long-term consequences - at 13, 14, 15 they truly don't get the idea that they will regret something one day.
So, back to Ask.fm. It is an innocent enough platform in theory, the gist of it is that people can ask each other questions. It's a bit like twitter in that you can follow people without them giving permission. You can set privacy settings to limit who can view your content - many people know this and do it, many people do not. Where it gets scary is the way that it actually gets used. People can ask questions or make statements without stating who they are, completely anonymously. This of course, removes all accountability and where the gloves come off. I am seeing girls being asked if they are virgins at 13 years of age - and the scariest part is that they are answering. There is a statement being used of "honesty hour" encouraging people to answer any question with complete honesty no matter what the question and they willingly do it! They are talking about their underwear, their body parts, sharing pictures of some of those body parts, talking about the things they do with said body parts, talking about drinking and smoking weed - AND they have no idea that somebody like me can read it all!
I'm not at all saying that they are not smart - they are - they are just extremely naive and they need to learn what is and is not appropriate to put out into the webosphere - and that is the job of the adults in their lives whether any of us like it or not. What I'm reading is not how I want to know these kids who I know are all Good kids in need of some honest and real guidance. When I have spoken to other adults about this stuff, many have said to me that they don't really want to know what the kids are saying or that they don't have time (which is legitimate) or that they can't be bothered (or are overwhelmed) to learn the technology. It is overwhelming and time sucking and to some degree emotionally exhausting - but that's parenting isn't it:)?
When bullying stories come to a tragic end like they did for Amanda Todd, we all react with the same question 'what could have been done to prevent this?'. I believe with every part of my being that the answer is to be proactive, be involved, learn the technology (it is not going away), be open with your kids, ask the hard 'creepy' questions and be ready for the resulting conversations. Talk to your kids about Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Ask.fm, Vine, Tumblr, Tinder, Snapchat, Kik. And, most importantly, for any awesome teenager who may be reading this post - I believe in you, you are good people, please be aware of the choices you make and the information you put out into the world, it is a reflection of who you are and you don't know who is seeing it - please, please, please think before you post.
Wednesday, 30 July 2014
Sunday, 27 July 2014
Words, Beliefs, Stories & Lies
I saw a friend yesterday who is going through the break up of a 16 year marriage. Through our conversation, I became deeply aware of the power, weight and depth of many of the words that come up when discussing a situation like this.
You know the picture of an iceberg where you see the tip sticking out of the water but the true depth and width of the iceberg lies below the surface where you cannot see it? That's the way I see many of the following words - the word itself is just the tip of the iceberg, the actual beliefs, stories & lies that are the foundation for the meaning we place on the word lurk deep underneath the surface.
Commitment
Selfishness
Happiness
What comes up for you when you sit with each of these words respectively? What are the beliefs, stories and lies that you hear & feel as you repeat those words to yourself?
I've noticed that these are extremely powerful words that are taken very seriously by many of us. We hold a lot of judgement around the actions of ourselves and the people around us and use these words to express, support and justify much of this judgement.
I have found divorce to be one of the single most judged situation that people can face - especially when kids are involved. There are many people who vehemently believe that when you bring children into the world, you give up your right to pursue your own personal happiness. We hold the words commitment, responsibility & duty above that of happiness & fulfillment as if there is a giant grid or hierarchy determining which words and feelings matter the most (and in our subconscious, I believe this grid actually exists). We proclaim people who pursue their happiness 'above' their spouse or their children as selfish and irresponsible. I know this, because I have been one of those people.
But here is the realization that I hold this morning. All of this judgement is predicated on one powerful belief or in my mind lie, that so many of us are driven by.
The lie is that we are responsible for someone else's happiness.
This belief is fundamentally untrue. It is impossible to create happiness for another person - spouse or child. Anyone who has tried to do this knows that what I'm saying is true. The only happiness we have control and influence over is our own - it is a choice and commitment that we must make to ourself. So many people believe that people should stay in a marriage because a break-up would be too damaging for their children. That is only true if you have removed all responsibility for happiness from those children. The learning journey here is awareness and accountability for each of our own version of happiness.
I know this is controversial, many of us don't like digging beneath the surface but I can tell you that I am living a much more joyous life as I unearth, examine and let go of the beliefs, stories & lies that have me holding people in judgement - as they are freed, I am freed.
You know the picture of an iceberg where you see the tip sticking out of the water but the true depth and width of the iceberg lies below the surface where you cannot see it? That's the way I see many of the following words - the word itself is just the tip of the iceberg, the actual beliefs, stories & lies that are the foundation for the meaning we place on the word lurk deep underneath the surface.
Commitment
Selfishness
Responsibility
Guilt
Shame
Happiness
What comes up for you when you sit with each of these words respectively? What are the beliefs, stories and lies that you hear & feel as you repeat those words to yourself?
I've noticed that these are extremely powerful words that are taken very seriously by many of us. We hold a lot of judgement around the actions of ourselves and the people around us and use these words to express, support and justify much of this judgement.
I have found divorce to be one of the single most judged situation that people can face - especially when kids are involved. There are many people who vehemently believe that when you bring children into the world, you give up your right to pursue your own personal happiness. We hold the words commitment, responsibility & duty above that of happiness & fulfillment as if there is a giant grid or hierarchy determining which words and feelings matter the most (and in our subconscious, I believe this grid actually exists). We proclaim people who pursue their happiness 'above' their spouse or their children as selfish and irresponsible. I know this, because I have been one of those people.
But here is the realization that I hold this morning. All of this judgement is predicated on one powerful belief or in my mind lie, that so many of us are driven by.
The lie is that we are responsible for someone else's happiness.
This belief is fundamentally untrue. It is impossible to create happiness for another person - spouse or child. Anyone who has tried to do this knows that what I'm saying is true. The only happiness we have control and influence over is our own - it is a choice and commitment that we must make to ourself. So many people believe that people should stay in a marriage because a break-up would be too damaging for their children. That is only true if you have removed all responsibility for happiness from those children. The learning journey here is awareness and accountability for each of our own version of happiness.
I know this is controversial, many of us don't like digging beneath the surface but I can tell you that I am living a much more joyous life as I unearth, examine and let go of the beliefs, stories & lies that have me holding people in judgement - as they are freed, I am freed.
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