Reason vs. Excuse

I posted this thought on facebook the other day...when faced with a decision, there are many good reasons to do something and as many good reasons not to, only you will know which reasons matter most for you.

To which my good friend Jim responded with "Reasons or excuses. It all depends on your motivation I'm thinking."

Thank you Jim, this response got a little bit under my skin and I have sat with the idea of reason vs. excuse for 2 days now.  (By the way, this is why I write and share, I really enjoy hearing and considering all perspectives, it's like a game for me - perhaps there is an app idea that needs to be created?:)

Anyway, first I wondered, why did Jim's response get under my skin?  Clearly, I am in the space of weighing the pros and cons of a pretty big personal decision which is why I wrote the post in the first place.  I think this bugged me because I am unsure about whether the reasons I am coming up with as cons are actually excuses.  Which is a good thing, because it provides the chance to really examine them but still very difficult.  Who gets to decide whether it is a valid reason or just a really great excuse?  I'm realizing that whether something is seen as a reason or excuse has everything to do with the eyes that are doing the looking.  If you were in my shoes, you would see and feel why a reason is a perfectly good reason from my vantage point but maybe from your shoes without the full force of my perspective it will appear more like an excuse. 

My next thought was, who cares - why do I care about this anyway?  Because it matters to me what people think!!  Arghh...I HATE THAT!  Because, here's the thing - there will always be people who see my reason as an excuse - always.  So, it is pointless to care about what other people think.  It is pointless to try to have them see/feel it from your shoes because they cannot, they are not you!

Beautiful.

This now leads me to the whole idea of judgement and acceptance.  I release judging your reasons as excuses and accept from your shoes that they must be felt as valid.  Perhaps, I would make a different choice, but that is because I'm wearing different shoes:)  My goal is to practice this more.  And, my hope is that you will practice doing the same for me.

Legacy

I caught the last half of Mr. Holland's Opus on Friday - my absolute favourite movie of all time.  There are many parts of that movie that have always resonated with me, but this time something new hit me.  The part where the music department gets cut and he is forced to retire hit me like an emotional punch to the gut.  I mean, I felt bad when I saw that part before, but this time it completely broke my heart.

Then yesterday, I was at my parent's house and noticed a wonderful formal portrait of my grandpa.  Grandpa Floyd was principal of the high school in High River in the 1960's.  He gave everything to his students until he took a stand and was forced into retirement by politics.  This picture hung in the hallway of that high school until this year and a kind teacher returned it to my parents because it was going to be thrown away.  THROWN AWAY!

How often must it happen that people give their heart, soul and lifetime effort to a purpose, wanting to leave a legacy and then have it callously underappreciated and in some cases completely discarded?  What must that feel like?

I feel wounded.  I know Mr. Holland had a happy ending but doesn't it kind of make you wonder about the endings for other people that this happens to?

And then I think, maybe it doesn't matter at all.  Maybe each individual feels the personal satisfaction of  a job well done and that's all they need.  I guess all good things must come to an end and time marches forward and new people and ideas come along to add their bit to the world.  But, I can't help but think that maybe we should honour legacies for longer.

Filling Space

September is my favourite month.  Full of new beginnings and fresh starts.

This summer I left my work so that I can focus on caring for my family and rebuilding our home.  While the kids were here with me full-time, and we were living in other people's homes, and the list of to do's ever-growing and overwhelming I found myself longing for space.  Space to be still and think and focus and just, well, get it together.  September 3rd, I got that space - just like that, the kids are back in school and I have complete freedom 6 and half hours every single day of the week!

So, Tuesday morning at 8:30 am I took a deep breath and thought excitedly, what will I do with my fresh start?  

Here's the funny thing I've learned about me having space.  It's like a hole in the sand at the edge of the tide, it is constantly and immediately being filled back in.  There are so many possibilities in front of me to fill my space and I seem to frantically look to fill every groove.  Within 48 hours I had considered running for council, applied for a job and cracked off quite a few to do's.  Yesterday, I realized, here I go again - when I have space I think I have to fill it, immediately and completely.  

This is a very, very important awareness for me.  I have a lot to take care of in my home, for my family and for myself - I cannot underestimate the importance of this.  I need to focus and breathe and take smart, helpful action - one - step - at - a - time.  I must be mindful of this and be attentive to it.  So, today, I am breathing and chilling and trying very, very hard to enjoy my space without constantly figuring out how to fill it.  It feels foreign, odd, uncomfortable but so very relieving.