Why Can't Leaders Be Human Beings?

Just when I begin to feel hopeful that the world of work and leadership is moving in the right direction - towards more authenticity, vulnerability, acceptance, compassion, humanness - someone writes and publishes an article that punctures my bubble as sharply and swiftly as a machete would destroy a balloon.

Here is the article - I don't really want you to read it, but if you don't, you won't know what all the fuss is about:)  What 15 Female Leaders Really Think About Crying At Work
This article absolutely infuriates me.  I thought maybe giving myself 24 hours of processing time would dull my anger and frustration - but nope, it's still there, fresh as ever.  There is also a bitter irony that it would come out on the day that Maya Angelou passed away.

Why does this matter - why is it even a topic to be written about?  Why are we so afraid of people's emotions?  We are all human beings - all emotion is as natural as breathing.  When will it be ok for leaders - all leaders, not just women - to simply be human - real people, warts and all?  Aren't we finally moving away from the industrial revolution where people are expected to be robots?  And Why, did they only ask women?!

I want a world of work where people do not have to wear masks.  Pretending to be something that you are not, stuffing your emotions down, this is all the stuff that makes people sick - leads to stress, addictions, burn-out - not the makings of a productive workplace.  This is not what we should be encouraging, for anybody, let alone the people who are leading people!

Emotion invites people to get to know one another at a deeper level.  Instead of freaking out when someone cries and labelling it as 'unprofessional' - what if we saw it as opportunity to dig in and really find out what is going on?  I'm not saying it's a leaders job to 'fix' whatever is ailing a crying employee, but the very act of listening/hearing/connecting is the stuff that creates permanent bonds and will inspire an employee to give their heart and soul to a leader who cares.

This article assumes that the work world is still all about power and control.  And many of the women responding in this article are still playing that game.  That is the part that makes me the most sad.  The workplace will never move beyond this if we keep playing the game and worse yet, telling all those who are following in our footsteps to keep playing.

Real emotion inspires people.

The real story here would be why are we so afraid of emotion at work?  How can we be taught to welcome all emotion into our workplaces?  Maybe I should go to work with Brene Brown and we'll do a study proving to the world that the workplaces who embrace humanness are the most successful!

Ok, I feel better, thanks for listening.  On the bright side, this article pointed me in the direction of this new article - Go Ahead - Cry at Work - so I guess it's not all bad:)

Embracing Youth

I just came out of a 30 minute meditation and find myself on a bit of a mission.

The question that came up for me is "I wonder where the most youth-friendly town in Canada is?".  Obviously of interest to me since I am raising 3 children:).

So, I googled it.  I googled it with the idea that I would uncover well written articles about town's who have made a conscious effort to really weave youth into the fabric of the community.  Stories about the kinds of spaces and attractions that have been created from the intention of truly serving the needs of youth.  Do you know what I found?  Most rankings are done entirely from the perspective of money; where is the most cost effective place to raise a family.  The key metrics are housing prices and daycare costs.  Here's a couple to have a look at;

Top 10 Best Places to Raise Kids
The Best Canadian Cities to Raise a Family

And, when I googled the best place in Canada to live for 12-18 year olds, I got nothing.

I'm extremely passionate about being part of building the most youth friendly community in Canada.   My hope is that I can do that in High River.  But, there are a few things that have to change.

My son went into a convenience store here with a couple of friends last spring.  The worker at the store told them to 'hurry up and buy something'.  I get it, he was afraid they were going to shoplift - I'm sure he's had that happen before.  But, my kid and the others he was with were not going to steal from him - they were there, with their wallets, as honest consumers.  What if someone spoke to you that way when you were shopping?  What if they spoke to your grandmother like that?  It would be absolutely unacceptable.  You would leave and never come back.  I find this appalling - we cannot treat every child as a criminal just because a small few make poor choices.

Right now, there is some really cool planning going on to redesign the downtown core.  This excites me a great deal and I asked my kids what they would like to see.  The first thing they said is more bike racks - the simplest thing really isn't it?  Also, my son said, if businesses don't want us to bring our backpacks in, maybe they could have cubbies or hooks we could put/hang them on so they don't get trashed in a heap on the floor.  Good point - but I have to say, again, it makes me angry they have to do this at all.  What if all you ladies were asked to leave your purse hanging at the door, would you feel welcome?

The one thing that I'm super excited about with the new downtown plan is all the expanded pedestrian pathways.  I made a comment in conversation recently along the lines of, oh good, the kids won't get in trouble with their skateboards and scooters.  To which the person responded, oh no, skateboards and scooters aren't allowed downtown, nobody wants them.  Now, I don't know if that is true on the whole, but it is certainly the perspective of this person who spends a lot of time downtown.

This is the way we treat our youth - reluctantly tolerated, not welcomed.  Even the well meaning youth centre in town is located up by the high school away from everything and every other age group in the community.  I asked my dad this morning why he thinks that this mentality exists in adults, his thought is that we are all a little bit resentful because we miss the freedom and joy of youth.  I think he's probably right and I think if we consciously spent more time in the company of youth, we could be reconnected to all those same feelings of freedom and joy.

This is an issue I want to bring to the light as I'm sure there is some of this in every town.  12-17 year olds are people first - people that deserve to be as respected and embraced as every other age group in a community.  The first change that has to come is the mindset, yes, we want these kids included and they matter.  I want to see efforts made to intentionally weave them into the fabric of the community - not sitting uncomfortably on the sidelines.  I know I'm not alone in this desire and I am prepared to roll up my sleeves to be a part of it.  If you have ideas or know of really cool examples to have a look at - let me know:)

Grief

I've been thinking alot about grief lately.  My predominant thought is that as long as we are moving forward there will always be some amount of grief because we are leaving something behind.  I wish we would talk about this more often so that grief becomes more normal to not only to talk about but also to feel. 

I think that we only ever acknowledge and talk about grief when something 'big' happens - illness, death, divorce...  But, what if we acknowledged and accepted that there is grief in the simple things too - changing teachers, new schools, babies' first step? Anything new is of course something to celebrate, but we have to be real with the part that we are saying good-bye to.  

I just became acutely aware that I am moving into a new parenting era as my oldest son nears becoming a teen.  As I've sat with that, I have allowed myself not to fear what's coming so much as to let go of what was.  He is no longer a 'child' and his needs from me are much different than they were.  I will miss the old Joel, even though I will love and embrace the new one.  We don't talk about this part of parenting enough.

As I walk around my hometown with the daily reminders of last year's flood, I feel grief.  I grieve the town that I grew up in - it is gone.  I grieve the town that I raised my babies in, it is gone.  I watched the house 2 doors to the north of me and 2 doors to the south get torn down.  I watched as the one family's 16 year old daughter videotaped the demolition of her family home and I cried.  I know families that grew up in both of those homes and it's hard not to connect with how it must be feeling for them.  I am excited about the refresh that the town is going through, but I am also saying goodbye to the town I once knew.  Both feelings are real, both are ok and I think we should talk about that so that we don't feel alone.  Grief is as 'normal' as joy.

There have been a number of changes in my life over the past couple of years - some I openly talk about, some I don't - but, I am extremely aware of the presence of grief that sits alongside the presence of new and I am allowing it.

Then, after crystallizing all of these thoughts, I read this Rumi quote today;

'Don't grieve.  Anything you lose comes round in another form.'

So, now there is a new question for me - what is it that I am truly grieving?  If I look at each of these change situations, what is the truth behind the grief and what could replace that?  How will I know the 'replacement' when it appears?  I don't know - pretty heady stuff - but it is worth the extra consideration. 

Anyway, I don't want grief to be a taboo topic anymore.  Just because I'm feeling it or you're feeling it doesn't mean that we are defined by it - no mom, I'm not depressed - I'm just aware that there is grief sitting beside my joy, not all the time, but lots of times and I'm willing to share that with you and maybe if it's ok for me, it will be more ok for you.