Normal?

I read this blog post last week that I think really effectively sums up a lot of how many of us are feeling since the flooding in June.  If you haven't had a chance to read it, here it is...
...why so are things back to normal is not the right question

Anyways, this has inspired me to write my own response to the idea of normal...

Yesterday was the first weekend day since the beginning of September that Jeff and I did not have to go anywhere for a hockey game.  We were so thrilled to have a "free" day that guess what we did?  You got it, we donned our masks and went to our garage to scrape up the flood mud that has been sitting in the walls since June 20th.

The area of town that we live in had overland flooding which was somewhere between 2.5 & 3 feet, which meant our yard, shed and garage were full of mud and uninsurable damage.  Over the summer months, we were so consumed with getting our house and yard back in shape that our garage was last on the priority list.  But now, with winter so definitely upon us, it moved squarely to the top of that list.  Here are a few pictures of our day.

I realized that this is a perfect way to show what normal has become in our lives.  On top of the regular life stuff, this is just one example of the new activities that have now become part of how we live.  Since quitting my job in July, I have become a part-time contractor, insurance/ government administrator & policy interpreter, home organizer (keeping on top of our regular 5 person clutter in half the space we usually have), expert mud cleaner, mental health student and I even learned how to use a paint sprayer to help build the bathroom that we so badly needed.

I know many of my friends reading this will say, "why don't you ask us to help, we offered".  And that is true and I was asking myself that very question yesterday as I was scraping.  The answer really is, because even organizing help is overwhelming.  We are carrying on with the normal parts of our lives - Jeff's job and commute to Calgary, school, 4 hockey practices, 2 dance classes and 4 hockey games/week and we slide in the new normal stuff wherever we can find the space.  Often it's a last minute slot of time that comes available and we pick a task and just get to it.

When we came in from the garage, we enjoyed a beer and considered some pretty big decisions about how to move forward with refinishing our basement as our contractor is ready to start this week (yay!). Do we or do we not worry about mitigation?  Should we even do the basement again, what if it happens again next June?  What if our insurance doesn't want to renew us next year?  What if it's crazy expensive?  What if our mortgage isn't renewed?  The endless cycle of answerless 'what if's' is far more exhausting than any of the physical labour.  The uncertainty just sits weighing heavily in your brain day in and day out and all you want to do is move forward, confidently, peacefully - or whatever normal was.

And, something else that is new is helping my kids cope with grieving.  The boys aren't too bad but Abby is really struggling with all that she lost.  I know everyone says kids are resilient and I believe they are, but they still need time and patience - a ton of patience - while they process and come to terms with it all.  It doesn't help the kids that all the adults in their lives keep talking about the flood - but hey, we need to process and come to terms too!

I miss normal.  I miss loving my home and having big dreams for it.  I miss feeling safe & sure.  I miss my park and my downtown.

This is my normal.