Words, Beliefs, Stories & Lies

I saw a friend yesterday who is going through the break up of a 16 year marriage.  Through our conversation, I became deeply aware of the power, weight and depth of many of the words that come up when discussing a situation like this.

You know the picture of an iceberg where you see the tip sticking out of the water but the true depth and width of the iceberg lies below the surface where you cannot see it?  That's the way I see many of the following words - the word itself is just the tip of the iceberg, the actual beliefs, stories & lies that are the foundation for the meaning we place on the word lurk deep underneath the surface.

Commitment

Selfishness

Responsibility

Guilt

Shame

Happiness

What comes up for you when you sit with each of these words respectively?  What are the beliefs, stories and lies that you hear & feel as you repeat those words to yourself?

I've noticed that these are extremely powerful words that are taken very seriously by many of us.  We hold a lot of judgement around the actions of ourselves and the people around us and use these words to express, support and justify much of this judgement.

I have found divorce to be one of the single most judged situation that people can face - especially when kids are involved.  There are many people who vehemently believe that when you bring children into the world, you give up your right to pursue your own personal happiness.  We hold the words  commitment, responsibility & duty above that of happiness & fulfillment as if there is a giant grid or hierarchy determining which words and feelings matter the most (and in our subconscious, I believe this grid actually exists).  We proclaim people who pursue their happiness 'above' their spouse or their children as selfish and irresponsible.  I know this, because I have been one of those people.

But here is the realization that I hold this morning.  All of this judgement is predicated on one powerful belief or in my mind lie, that so many of us are driven by.

The lie is that we are responsible for someone else's happiness.

This belief is fundamentally untrue.  It is impossible to create happiness for another person - spouse or child.  Anyone who has tried to do this knows that what I'm saying is true.  The only happiness we have control and influence over is our own - it is a choice and commitment that we must make to ourself.  So many people believe that people should stay in a marriage because a break-up would be too damaging for their children.  That is only true if you have removed all responsibility for happiness from those children.  The learning journey here is awareness and accountability for each of our own version of happiness.

I know this is controversial, many of us don't like digging beneath the surface but I can tell you that I am living a much more joyous life as I unearth, examine and let go of the beliefs, stories & lies that have me holding people in judgement - as they are freed, I am freed.