Riptides

As is very normal as a year draws to an end I found myself in some reflection space in December and quickly realized I didn't really want to be there.  It wasn't that the year hadn't been good for me, it had.  It just felt like a gigantic waste of time looking backwards.  So I made a little deal with myself for 2015 that my guiding principle will be 'no looking back' so that I am 100% available to focus on right now and my very next step.

And then came the riptide.

I received a call 2 days before Christmas and was notified that I would have to be in court in the new year as a witness for a work situation that happened 2 years ago.  I won't go into a lot of detail about the circumstances but will only say that I was part of making a business decision that did not turn out well and was quite a painful experience for me.

From New Year's day until Monday, as I tried to recall the pertinent details of the situation I could feel myself being pulled back into the disappointment, shame, frustration, hurt and anger that surrounded that point in time.  Questions like "why did this have to happen?", "what is my lesson supposed to be?", "why was I so naive to trust?" pulled at me, dragging me back and down.

Then, I stopped battling.  None of it mattered.  I did not have to get drug under by this riptide.  I can't change anything that happened - not one thing.  I can't know what my lessons are or what the reasons for this were.  I can only believe that as I move forward, my lessons will become apparent if and when they are relevant.

This is the thing about spending any energy in the past - it completely takes away the awareness and enjoyment of the presence - what is happening right here, right now.  I know that riptides will continue to come up and threaten my ability to focus on this moment and I know it will take will to ensure they don't pull me under.